Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
It’s a gift
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms