just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.