ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.