[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Breaking news:
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.