i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.