The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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