Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.