Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
You Might Also Like
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Covid like
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.