My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos