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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
What do you hear?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand