When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
12653.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
me refusing to leave twitter
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
What my back needs