Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Bros before Ohioes
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
saving face 👀
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.