It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political