The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“I FIXED IT!”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.