my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.