You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
interviewer: what do you mean you don鈥檛 have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
It鈥檚 OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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蕧o丧 蕠noq蓯 谉谉蓯 蕩晒o蕠s 蓯 s谋 s谋丧蕠 ‘蕧ou
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they鈥檙e with me.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren鈥檛 impressed
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future