I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
yall want some gasoline milk
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?