Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.