me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Every haunted house movie:
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
<- sleeps well with others
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Well, that didn’t work.