COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.