“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.