“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
bad news gang
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Hotels are back
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.