Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
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Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕