Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Lmfaoooooo
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,