Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
You Might Also Like
My dad.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.