[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.