My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
New menu item
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.