You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.