Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.