Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Good morning.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Try and stop me.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Room with a view.