yeah no that’s fair
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself