Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]