Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
How dramatic are you?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe