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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*