This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener