me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
You Might Also Like
That eye roll….
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.