Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
finally found a reasonable question
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.