I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.