You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Perfection.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought