me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Lmfao
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.