Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY