sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
From my Mom
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Only short people can save us
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
This will teach them to underestimate me
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course