Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands