[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy