new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Peace was never an option
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I