I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
You deplete me