Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My favorite female superhero
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
As the Lord intended
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect