cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Mistakes were made
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.