Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Message from the dog groomers
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible