Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E